Talk:Guidelines for Raising Children: Disappointments with Children

By Vishal Agarwal

Sometimes, despite our best efforts, our children are a disappointment to us. Emperor Bharata, who lived several thousands of years ago, is said to have given the traditional name ‘Bhārata’ to the country now known as India. He had nine sons, but none of them were capable or virtuous. He was very disappointed and decided to adopt a son of Ṛṣi Bharadvāja to succeed him as the next king, according to the Mahābhārata. Rāvaṇa was the son of a Ṛṣi. Even a son of Kṛṣṇa named Sāmba turned out to be a brat.

A single prodigal child can bring great grief and destruction to his parents and the entire family:

Just as a single dried up tree, upon catching fire, leads to the destruction of the entire forest; likewise a single bad child can ruin the prestige of his entire family. Cāṇakya Nīti Darpaṇa 3.15

Childless parents pray to the Īśvara, who then asks them to choose between a long-lived, or several ill-behaved children versus a single, short-lived but saintly child. In these stories, the parents invariably opt for the latter. For example, the parents of Śaṅkarācārya opted for him even though he was destined to live for only sixteen years (subsequently, his age was doubled). The parents of Ṛṣi Markaṇḍeya likewise chose to bear a boy who would live for sixteen years as well. Subsequently, on the day of his destined death, Śiva blessed Markaṇḍeya with an eternal life.

It is better to have one excellent child than a hundred foolish children. A host of stars cannot dispel the darkness of the night but a single luminous moon accomplishes that. Hitopadeśa 1.17

Very often, conscientious parents blame their own upbringing for the flaws in their children. But as discussed in section 10.5 above, genetics and upbringing (environment) are only two of the several factors that shape one’s personality. To a great extent, we are born with a unique personality and after a certain point, parents who have striven to raise their children to be good human beings but are disappointed must not blame themselves for their children’s follies.