Talk:Marriage: For the Practice of Dharma
By Sri Chandrasekharendra Saraswati Swami
Dharma, artha, kāma and mokṣa are the four puruṣārthas, the four aims of life. The first of them, dharma, is a lifelong objective. The pursuit of artha (material welfare) and kāma (desire, love) must be given up at a certain stage in a man's life. But so long as such pursuit lasts, it must be based on dharma. When a man renounces the world and becomes an ascetic, he transcends dharma, but he does not go contrary to it nor speak against it. Indeed, his life is governed by the dharma of saṁnyāsa.
The Pūrvamīmāṁsā-sūtra opens with: Athāto dharmajijñāsā — meaning, "Now begins the inquiry into dharma."
The Uttaramīmāṁsā-sūtra (or Brahmasūtra), on the other hand, starts with: Athāto brahmajijñāsā — meaning, "Now begins the inquiry into Brahman."
When you inquire into the Brahman and meditate on it, you are not conscious of dharma. Dharma is for the dualistic world of action (karma). Since the phenomenal world does not exist in non-dualistic jñāna, there is no consideration of dharma in it. But this does not mean that non-dualistic jñāna is contrary or opposed to dharma—all that is meant is that it goes beyond dharma.
Bhagavān declares in the Gītā: Sarvadharmān parityajya mām ekaṁ śaraṇaṁ vraja — “Forsaking all dharmas, come to Me alone for refuge.” Are we to construe that the Lord asks us to go to Him for refuge as perpetrators of adharma? The true meaning of the words of the Lord is this: "Give up all inquiry into dharma and adharma. Go beyond them and comprehend the Reality that is the source of both." What is sought is an inward experience. The actions performed by the jñānins who have their inner realisation will naturally be in conformity with dharma. The doings of the high-souled ascetics may not be consciously based on dharma, but nevertheless, they would be nothing but dhārmic.
All told, dharma is always a part of man's life. When he reaches a high spiritual state, he may not be consciously aware of it, but dharma will abide with him and will keep shining as a light in all that he does.
The pursuit of the second of the four aims of life, artha, must be based on dharma. The same applies to the third aim, that of kāma. Kālidāsa expresses the same thought in his Raghuvaṁśa when he speaks in praise of Dilīpa: Abhyarthakāmau tasyāstām dharma eva manīṣiṇaḥ (“With Dilīpa, the wise, even artha and kāma were of the nature of dharma.”)
The householder’s stage of life commences with marriage. In it, both material well-being and desire have their source in dharma. The student-bachelor and the ascetic are not concerned with the acquisition of wealth or carnal pleasure. The householder’s stage of life, or gṛhasthāśrama, is a bridge between the two, and in it both are permitted—within the bounds of dharma.
A man needs money and material goods to live in this world. As for kāma or carnal desire, it is needed so that children may be born according to their past karma. Until we have lived out our karma we too will have to be in this world. In this way, if we want to give a "chance" to others, we have to earn money and experience kāma so that they [these others] may be born again. We need householders to feed saṁnyāsins who have given up karma. It would not be practical for all people in this world to become ascetics. The śāstras extol householders as the backbone of society since they live—or are expected to live—according to the dictates of dharma and fulfil the requirements of student-bachelors and ascetics.
After completing one's student-bachelorhood and acquiring learning and good qualities, one must marry so as to perform religious rites and live a life guided by dharma. Marriage is included among the forty saṁskāras, which fact shows that it is a sacred rite that sanctifies life. Just as upanayana is preliminary (pūrvāṅga) to the student-bachelor’s stage of life, marriage is preliminary to that of the householder. Its purpose is disciplining the senses and establishing the basis for the performance of various duties.
The householder’s life is not to be taken to mean merely the enjoyment of sensual pleasure along with the carrying out of duties that mean good to the world. The fact is that the śāstras have formulated this stage of life in such a way as to make kāma itself instinct with dharma. Dharma means essentially bringing everything within certain limits, under a certain discipline and decorum. Kāma must be inspired by dharma—that is, one must bridle one's passions in one's conjugal life so that, step by step, the carnal urge will lose its keenness and eventually one will gain mellowness to graduate to saṁnyāsa. That stage, though, comes later. But at first, even now, in the householder’s stage of life, the passions have to be curbed little by little, but not forcibly. In the gurukula the celibate-student is brought under strict discipline. That saves him from being swept away by animal passion.
Though we talk of animal passion, we must note that animals mate only during a particular season. They have the sexual urge only when the female of the species is ready for pregnancy. Man is baser in such matters. Brahmacarya helps to control the carnal urge as it first shows up. Then, in the householder’s life, since kāma is made subservient to dharma, the passions are kept under check.
What is the śāstric method to control the carnal urge? From the day of a woman’s period there should be no intercourse for four days. Then it is permitted for twelve days. Again, there should be no intercourse until the woman has her next period. Even during the twelve days mentioned above, the couple should not meet during the new moon, on days conjoined by certain asterisms, etc. If such rules are followed, the couple will remain healthy—mentally as well as physically.